Misery, Loneliness, and Pain are Forever My Best Friends
It was not easy to find an unruly character like Suksma Ratri. Her life journey is full of winding turns. But she is facing it all with a big smile. “And with Salsa too!”
She took a trip down the memory lane, all the way back to May 2006. Her ex-husband was ill. One and a half year after they got a divorce. She divorced him for domestic abuse reason. “When he was ill, he called me and asked me to take the HIV test.”
Shoot! ⠀
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Her test turned out positive. “I actually knew it was coming. My ex used to inject drugs and he shared needles with his peers.” There was only one thing she regrets, “Before we got married, he told me he already had himself tested and the result was negative. What I didn’t know that time, was that he was supposed to take another test three months later to confirm the result was not a false negative.”
Fortunately, Srikandhi’s, her only daughter’s test came back negative. She was 2.5 years of age at that time. “That was the most important thing for me. I can manage myself. Not a problem.” Srikandhi now is a teenager with a great empathetic character. “She is quite proud of her mother.”
Ratri is a fighter. When she found out for the first time about her HIV status, she did not panic. “Maybe because I was very calm, my mom and my family also took it calmly. They accepted it.”
The journey to find suitable medical treatment is another story of hers. That time, ARV (antiretroviral), the medication to suppress the activity of the virus, was not widely available just yet. People Living With HIV had to try to survive without medication. “I relied on red fruit, herbal supplement, and some other supplements to keep myself in fit condition.”
Ratri then became an HIV/AIDS counselor. People came to her to pour their heart out, she would help them find solutions for their issues in HIV-related discrimination. Often she had to rescue some clients who were ill but not openly admit their HIV status to their families.
The journey to find the treatment kept going. She finally started her Arv treatment in 2012, six years after she was diagnosed. With the limited options in combination, Ratri took the doctor’s suggestion. “The combination had severe side effects on me. I became anemic, and rashes appeared all over my body.”
The doctor who handled her insisted that she must stay on that combination. “I had to argue and quarrel to finally get her agreed to switch my combination.” Alas, the new ARV cocktail also did not suit her and caused severe psychological side effects, “Depression, anxiety, suicidal, social withdrawal, vivid dreams. You name it, I had it.”
During this tough time Ratri starting to have the self-harming tendency. She would cut her wrist. She was weak and withered. “I was in denial. I couldn’t accept that I had depression because everyone knew me as a bubbly person.”
Eventually, her best friends intervened. “I was closely monitored. I was not allowed to have sharp objects in my room. If I need to open any food packaging using sharp objects, I had to call my friend.” Temporarily, she stopped the ARV treatment. Go on a detox to clean her system.
Life is full of surprises. Ratri met Chris Pearman, a British guy who married her. In 2014, she went to London and here she went through a thorough medical checkup. She had a different experience from what she had in Indonesia. Her doctor in London was very attentive and willing to explain all the details about her medication until she understood. “It was also free because I entered the country legally, I paid for my visa. That is a tax. So, I was treated just like any other British citizens.”
Thanks to this doctor in London, Ratri found the most suitable ARV combination for her. “It feels fantastic and there were no side effects.”
Ratri is very disciplined when it comes to taking care of her health, including her ARV treatment. “I had one incident of taking it late. Because I went out with friends and did not think it would be until late at night.” For PLHIV (People Living with HIV), Ratri always thinks that ARV adherence is the most challenging part of all. “Everyone has already a master when it comes to tackling stigma and discrimination. But ARV adherence… that is the real challenge.”
Ratri still counsels people casually even until now. There are ten PLHIV whom she assists at the moment. Ratri also often shared healthy tips and motivate on ARV adherence in her social media. “Many people send me private messages to ask for advice or just to share their burdens.”
What about depression? Has it gone completely?
For Ratri, misery, loneliness, and pain are her eternal friends. “It is impossible to get rid of these feelings completely. In life, misery, loneliness, and pain (MLP) will always come and go as they please.” As a reminder, and as soul booster she tattooed the letters MLP on her wrist, where she used to cut herself to bleed.
It is an infinity tattoo with the letters ‘MLP’ on it, misery, loneliness, pain. Our truest friends. They can come crawling back anytime. “Whenever I feel down, I look at this MLP tattoo and I often feel better. Just like I had been recharged.”
Ratri realized, as a counselor she has to be ready to be the “dust bin” for other people’s issues. So, it is imperative that she takes good care of her emotions and sanity. She would help out and be the model for Sri Kendes, a group of activists who fight for LGBT discrimination through fashion line.
She also routinely go for Salsa dancing every weekend. “Just three or four hours of Salsa dancing and it will make me feel happy. Not thinking about any problems. Life is good.”
Any dreams that have not been coming true?
There are two things, first, Ratri wants to have a TV programme that talks about HIV/AIDS and everything related to it. She wants society to have proper understanding and stop considering HIV as a horrific issue and eventually will stop discrimination. “My second dream is to have a safe house where PLHIV, victims, and survivors of violence or anyone who needs shelter can come and take refuge.”
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